Ten Years Ago

Ten years ago I had a compact digital camera, a 2.1mp Nikon Coolpix. Having been shooting on film since forever, a digital camera still felt like some awesome new technological magic and I couldn’t quite get my head around being able to take as many photos as I wanted, being able to see them instantly and not having to pay to have film developed.

Ten years ago, I was diagnosed with M.E. and I had to leave my sensible, reasonably well paid, real-job-with-prospects. I was pretty much housebound for months and had maybe an hour each day when I was able to sit up. I was experiencing most of the stages of grief simultaneously, veering wildly between anger and denial, crashing violently into bargaining and fighting against depression.

Ten years ago, I discovered DeviantArt and found a world of creativity and wonder that I could explore while propped up on cushions in bed while the world outside went on without me. I found inspiration and channelled my pain and frustration into photographs. I took pictures in bed or sitting on the floor, creating a glorious mess most of the time (that ‘blood’ in the third picture from the top – chocolate sauce!) and feeling like I could fly even when I could barely walk.

Ten years ago I realised that I wanted to be a photographer. Or maybe I just realised that I already was. I don’t believe that everything happens for a reason and I will happily punch anyone who dares to tell a sick or disabled person that they are sick or disabled because the universe is trying to teach them a lesson that they wouldn’t learn without suffering, degradation and hopelessness. But I do believe that difficult experiences can trigger a shift in perspective and sometimes you can build something amazing from the ruins of your past life.

Ten years ago I took the photos at the top of this post. There is so much rage in those pictures, so much force behind them. I still have M.E. (although not as severely as when I first became ill, at least on most days) and while denial and anger continue to rear their heads more often than I care to admit, I have left bargaining behind, stumbled through depression and on a good day, I can see acceptance in the distance. I still love these photographs because although they will forever represent the worst of times, they will also forever remind me of the year that I discovered the strength I never knew I had.

If you like these photos, you can buy prints at (from top)…
http://www.deviantart.com/print/26468744/
http://www.deviantart.com/print/26468766/
http://www.deviantart.com/print/26468688/
http://www.deviantart.com/print/26468712/

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